It’s half term holidays this week in the UK – so the kids are off school. It’s nice to have them around and it’s a welcome break for both of us to not have to do the school run (no yellow school buses here you see !)
Today they’ve had some friends here for a play day. This family lives in the town we used to live in and the kids and grown ups are good friends.
I thought I’d tell you a bit about our kids and how they’ve been effected by all of this.
Our son is 8 – he’s very lively, energetic and can have strops. He’s not as out and out academic as his sister – but that’s more because he just likes other things. Under the “I don’t care about school” surface is a really smart boy. But his biggest passion is drawing -he’d rather draw than just about anything else. Buy a new game for the Wii and he’d rather grab the box and draw some of the characters in it !
Our daughter is 10, she’s much more academic especially when it comes to maths. She’s very sweet and wants so much to please. Until recently I’d have said that this was solely a wonderful characteristic but given how my needing approval from my parents has undoubtedly had some negative impact on how I act now, I do have some small concerns. But my wife points out that she will happily speak her mind from time to time and has definitely started to push the boundaries (as much as a 10 year old can) so maybe my fears are unfounded. Also, because I’m now starting to understand what’s made me who I am, I have started to shake off some of the habits and hopefully can ensure that my kids don’t inherit these from me.
Our daughter is very perceptive and its easy to see that she knows that things aren’t right. I’ve already touched on this before and there was a view from another blogger that we should keep this from the kids – but we felt that we should be honest, or at least largely honest with them. We didn’t feel it was appropriate to tell them exactly what I had done – so settled on “daddy told another women that he liked her and this upset mummy”. In those early days, I also moved out for a few days and this really affected the kids. They each know a number of school friends who have divorced parents and they were understandably worried that this would be our fate. At that time, I started renting a small house nearby to use as an office (as one of the issues we recognised is that because I work from home, we end up almost spending too much time together) Anyway, my wife would sometimes refer to it as “daddy`s house” and she really didn’t like this-because it made the divorce scenario more real for her.
On first sight, you’d think our son wasn’t really taking in what was going on. He seems quite unperturbed by things. But that’s not the case. He is also very worried about how things will pan out -but he just doesn’t show it so often. But when he does talk about it, it’s absolutely clear that he is worried that we’ll get divorced.
It’s true to say that I didn’t think about any of this before embarking on the affair. And I certainly never considered the impact on the kids. It hurts me so much to know they are worried about us. Kids of 8 and 10 shouldn’t have worries in life -and especially not about whether their parents will stay together.
On a lighter note, sometimes I take both kids out on Saturdays – but our daughter is cooking a roast dinner with my wife Saturday evening -so my son and I are off to the zoo – then Sunday, we’re off to the circus – it’s going to be a busy weekend 🙂
Saving our marriage 
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY MEN CHEAT!
Here’s the top ten for this week:
Straight in at number 10 – “My wife doesn’t stimulate me intellectually”
Down 2 at number 9 – “My wife won’t have sex with me anymore”
In at number 8 – “My wife’s not fun anymore”
A non mover at number 7 – “My father never hugged me”
Standing still at number 6 – “My mother was controlling and overbearing”
Up 3 places to number 5 – “I was never allowed to express myself”
Down 1 to number 4 – “I’m under a lot of pressure from my boss/work
Another non mover at number 3 – “I was really drunk”
Climbing 5 places to number 2 – “I give, give, give and I deserve something for me for once”
And at number one that old favourite – “My wife doesn’t understand me”
That’s the run down for this week. Tune in next time when it’ll be all the same reasons but probably in a different order.
Surreal(ity)
I’ve had this weird feeling since finding out about my H’s infidelity. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. This doesn’t happen to me. It never has. As far as i know I’ve never had a partner cheat on me. My H got very upset one day when we were arguing and he said “I’ve never been through anything like this before”! No shit! Neither have I! It’s fair to say that I have had some bad things happen in my life but this is by far the worst and I am no better equipped to deal with it than my H. When I take myself back to that point where he ‘confessed’ (if you don’t know our story his confession only contained what he wanted me to know at that point) I can see that I had some sort of ‘out of body’ experience. I wasn’t there. I could feel myself rising up and looking down on what was going on. I suppose this is my way of coping with traumatic news/situations. The surreal feelings go further. I was asked by my therapist how I feel when I get angry, and I could only explain it as having the same ‘out of body experience’. It unfolds in a split second almost as if I’m watching it on T.V. When we discuss the events of that night i feel the terrible betrayal which suddenly overwhelms me then I instantly lash out, but when it happens it’s so immediate that I don’t believe that I am myself. I’m not in control at that point. I can understand the whole ‘crime of passion’ scenario. I think I could do something really, really bad in that moment.
However, i feel like things have gone through a process of change these last few weeks since my H’s last revelation. I’ve felt myself slowly disconnecting. I feel like I could become completely indifferent and never discuss this again. I’m not as motivated as I was to go to couples counselling. I feel like a lot of what she says isn’t explaining anything to me. I don’t understand why I feel like this. I still want to try to mend our broken relationship, but I’m teetering on the edge of complacency. Our counsellor did say that a possible explanation why my H acted out in this way was because this form of rebellion had less impact on his mother than me. In other words, it was a better option for him to disappoint me than his mother. It was an eye opener, and it really hurts. Other than that she hasn’t really shed any more light on why this has happened to me. Maybe I’m expecting too much from her. Maybe it’s our job to figure this out. I just want an answer and so far it hasn’t come. I’m exhausted from all of this and I want a break. I want to pretend it didn’t happen. Is that possible? How will I ever get the answers that I desperately need in order to move forward from here? It seems an impossible task. Maybe indifference is the only option in order to maintain my sanity?! Any nuggets of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.
Firstly let me acknowledge that I am QUITE AWARE that I’m not a trained and qualified counselor — just someone offering my “two cents worth.” Also, I want to provide this caveat: My opinion is coming from the viewpoint of many Americans. You know, the rebellious “kids” — British subjects — who organized the original 13 colonies of the U.S., dumped the King’s tea into Boston Harbor, demanded our independence from Great Britain, and then got it? Okay, as long as we’re on the same page, here goes! 😀
I “buy” the “subconscious” therapy approach to an extent. I don’t know anything about your counselor’s qualifications OR if she is the right couples counselor for BOTH of YOU. Affair Recovery Therapy can be quite different from Marriage Counseling. DJ (www.notoverit.wordpress.com/2013/02/06/starting-into-another-round-of-counseling) said that it took several couples counselors before she and her H found the one for them. Pertaining to one of the earlier couples counselors they saw, DJ stated, “I was the closest to leaving my husband after going through a few sessions with that counselor.”
I never met my paternal grandfather, as he was killed on the job (unsafe machinery) when my father was 15 and my uncle 18. I was told that my grandfather was a philandering wife-beater, and my paternal grandmother (who will be 99 years old on 2/27, and has long outlived her husband and children — and just about everybody else) was a domineering and controlling mother. My father was a “good boy” and my uncle was a “bad boy.” My uncle grew up to become a philandering wife-beater like his father was, and my father grew up to become a devout Christian church pastor. When my father went through his “mid-life” crisis in the 1970s he grew his sideburns long, started wearing bell bottom pants and puffed-sleeved shirts (very popular among the YOUNGER people in that era), and bought a Harley-Davidson motorcycle as his “primary” vehicle, leaving his car parked in the garage. What my father did NOT do, however, during his time of “temporary insanity” was have an affair — EVER — in the 40 years my parents were married until his death. How do I know this? EVERYONE would have known, had it happened! My father was very well-known and respected in our city, and my mother was a vindictive woman who would have informed everybody. My father did not refrain from straying for fear of reprisals, however. He told me (when I asked as a curious teenager) that he’d decided when he married my mother that he would never cheat on her — and he did not want to be like his father!
I guess everyone rebels in different ways – some buy motorbikes, some get tattoos, some do other things. Sadly I did something far more destructive. I truly wish I had found a different way to rebel – as I wouldn’t be here blogging if I had
We both very much appreciate your “two cents worth”. As for the “Boston tea party” thing, I’m half Irish so I feel your pain sister 😉
On a serious note, we both feel that our counsellor is right for us. Whether we’ll always feel that way is another matter. This is a work in progress and as things evolve the need for a new opinion and point of view may Be needed. At this moment in time I personally feel like she’s bang on the money with a lot of what she says. Is she always 100% correct? No, but I know a lot of what she has told us are things that I had worked out for myself to a certain degree.
As for my children turning out like my H, I don’t feel like that would be the worst thing that could happen. With all due respect, I think my circumstances are different to yours back then (but please correct me if I’m wrong). I think had I found out about his affair then have him walk out on me to be with the other woman then absolutely I would be worried about my children thinking this is how to behave. But I can see how committed to this process my H is and how he is doing his damnedest to repair the damage he has done to our marriage. I totally see where you are coming from though and as always I am grateful for your opinion.
I don’t know why exactly my H chose this form of rebellion and i may never know, but I know he will regret it for the rest of his life.
Hope you enjoyed your birthday 🙂
I never met my paternal grandfather, because he was killed on the job (unsafe machinery) when my father was 15 and my uncle 18. I learned through the years, however, that my grandfather was a philandering wife-beater, and my paternal grandmother (who will be 99 years old on 2/27, and has outlived everyone except her grands, great-grands, and great-great-grands) was a domineering and meddling mother (as mine was). My father was the “good boy” and my uncle was the “bad boy.” My uncle grew up to become a philandering wife-beater like their father was, and my father grew up to become a Christian church pastor, so unlike my uncle that sometimes it was hard to tell they were brothers. When my father went through his “mid-life crisis” in the 1970s, he grew his sideburns long, started wearing bell bottoms and puffed-sleeved shirts, and bought a Harley-Davidson motorcycle — driving it to work, church, and everywhere else.My brother and I were amused, to put it mildly, and somewhat embarrassed. What my father did NOT do, however, was have an affair — EVER, in the 40 years he and my mother were married until his death.
Ooops, I posted that twice. PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES, Mr. and Mrs. B!
I attended Affair Recovery therapy after my husband left, because *I* was so traumatized the *I* needed to recover from his many affairs. When explaining my “good boy” husband — who had never rebelled as a child — my therapist gave me similar “subconscious” counseling as your couples counselor gave to you, Mr. and Mrs. B.
This counseling ended up backfiring on me because I began to compare my children’s temperament and behavior to that of their father, trying to see if I could spot any “warning signs” that any of them would turn out like him. Though well-intentioned, I went overboard with this until one day, when my oldest was 13, he smashed a trash can into the wall, put his fist through the kitchen door, and basically “lost his mind,” while his brother, his sister and I huddled in my bedroom terrified. He shouted at me, “Mama, STOP trying to compare me to Daddy! STOP trying to determine if I am going to turn out like him!” (You see, Mr. and Mrs. B, my oldest was the non-rebellious “good boy” and I was so sold on what the counselor had told me that I just KNEW he was going to turn out like his father. I WAS DEAD WRONG ABOUT THAT — Thank God!
Hi 1981. I hope you’re enjoying your day – it must be close to the time for going out for a party or whatever – so have fun. We’re just in from watching “Mama” at the cinema (scary !) Then having Chinese food 🙂
I do hear what you say about the while subconscious / rebellion thing. Whilst I do see what out counsellor means, I certainly don’t plan on spending the next 10/15 years looking out for my kids rebelling – as they either will or they won’t. We can’t change that in them. There are also already showing that they are quite independent so I don’t think we have reasons to worry.
I’ll be at a computer 2/21 to write more. BE CAREFUL; I rec’d the same counseling & IT BLEW UP IN MY & MY KIDS’ FACES!
Sorry, big snow today (2/21). I didn’t get to the library to use computer. I’ll try on my b-day (2/22). 🙂
Happy birthday! Hope it’s special 🙂
Thank you so very much, Bubsy!
Happy birthday from Mr B too !
Thank you so very much, Mr. B!
NOTE: DJ said “almost left H” (above) in Comments http://www.fulfilledentrepreneur.wordpress.com/2013/02/09/todays-conversation
Btw Mr/Mrs B, speaking of no yellow school buses: I sent my kids to Catholic schools (pre-K thru High Sch graduation)…
even though we’re not Catholic. (Superior academics IMO.) I pd tuition on an admin asst salary & I was their “schl bus.”